Making sense of complex emotions after choosing an abortion

Data suggests that 1 in 3 women will have an abortion during their lifetime. For some women, the experience feels straightforward. For others, the emotional impact can be far more complex than they anticipated.

Perhaps you felt clear that having an abortion was the right, or possibly the only, choice for you at the time, and yet, afterwards, you found yourself asking: “Why do I feel so sad? or even: “I shouldn’t be having these feelings – I chose to have an abortion.” If these sorts of thoughts have crossed your mind, you are not alone.

Why do I feel like this after an abortion? 

One of the most painful parts of struggling emotionally after an abortion can be the internal conflict. On one side, you made the decision, so you should be OK with it, right? On the other hand, there may be a wave of emotions that feel intense, confusing, or even frightening. You might feel sad, angry, guilty, shameful, regretful, tearful and overwhelmed – without fully understanding why.

You may also notice a loss of confidence or self-esteem. For women who are struggling emotionally after an abortion, the strength of these feelings can be very unexpected.

You may have thought – and perhaps hoped – that you would feel relief. You may have understood the abortion as primarily a medical procedure and assumed you would simply “bounce back". When that doesn’t happen, it can feel disorientating – even frightening.

Some women describe feeling out of control of their emotions, as though something has shifted internally and they don’t quite recognise themselves.

I chose this, so why do I feel so upset?

For some women, this thought can feel relentless: “I chose this. I don’t deserve to feel this upset.”

There can be a harsh internal voice that says:

• you made the decision – live with it
• you should be stronger
• other people have it worse
• you don’t have the right to feel this way

This self-judgement can intensify the pain. Often, it is not just the sadness or other painful emotions that hurt; it is the belief that you shouldn’t be feeling that way at all.

When relief and sadness exist at the same time

Sometimes two seemingly opposing things can both be true – what is often called a “both/and” experience. We can, and often do, hold multiple emotions at the same time, even when they feel conflicting.

It is entirely possible to:

• believe you made the right decision
• and feel emotional pain afterwards

Those two experiences can exist at the same time, and it can be very painful. It can also feel very isolating because it is often not easily shared or talked about with family and friends. It can feel as if no one understands and that you are alone in the pain.

Understanding the range of emotions after an abortion

There is no single “correct” emotional response after an abortion.

You might feel:

• sadness – a quiet ache or heaviness
• anger – at a partner, at circumstances, or at yourself
• guilt or shame – even when you rationally know you had your reasons
• relief – followed by confusion about why relief is mixed with sadness
• regret – while still understanding why you made the decision you did

Emotions can shift day by day, even hour by hour. This unpredictability can make you feel unsteady.

If you have found yourself thinking: “Why am I reacting like this? This isn’t like me.” Please know that strong emotions after an abortion are not uncommon. You are not weak. You are not irrational. You are not “mad.”

When sadness after an abortion doesn’t ease

Where a woman does feel sadness following an abortion, it may ease naturally over time. For others, it lingers. Where it does, you might notice:

• ongoing sadness and/or distress
• avoiding certain people or places
• intrusive thoughts
• increased anxiety
• heightened sensitivity around babies or pregnancy
• feeling emotionally flat or disconnected

These experiences can feel frightening. Part of the distress can come from believing you are the only one who feels this way. Abortion is often discussed in political or medical terms, but far less frequently in emotional ones. That silence can add to the sense of isolation.

Seeking support

If this article has resonated with you, please know that emotional pain after an abortion is not necessarily a sign that you made the wrong decision. It may simply be a sign that something meaningful happened, and that you deserve space and support in making sense of it.

Talking to a trained, non-judgemental professional can provide a confidential space to explore your feelings at your own pace. You do not have to navigate this alone.